Battle of the Bulge: D-day +15

That's right folks, day 16 of this horrifically stupid and torturous bet. Things are a bit...tense at the Johnson home. Shane was snipping to me last night because we couldn't have any of our niece's birthday cake...I was snipping at him that he shouldn't be complaining because he's already lost 11lbs (I hate men and their metabolisms). We are in serious need of a sugar fix, or things might get pretty nasty.

Another thing to add to our happy home, is the fact that we have been woken-up by Hank 3 of the past 4 nights. (and anyone who knows me, knows how I love my sleep) Last night we tried to let him cry it out, but the boy is so stinking stubborn! So I walk into his room, stand in front of his crib with my arms folded, and start lecturing him (somewhat loudly) on his selfish behavior, and how his father needs his sleep so he can go to work, and how disappointed I was in his lack of consideration for the rest of us, yadda yadda yadda. By this time in my speech, Hank is literally trying to throw himself over railing of the crib to his certain death, and is hysterically bawling his eyes out.

Right when I was about to completely lose my mind and torch the whole house around us, Shane walks into the room, takes Hank in his arms and very sweetly and patiently tells me to go back to bed, and that he will take care of everything. Of course, I start crying because I am a terrible mother and have now given Hank one more reason to hate me when he turns 13.

So I go to bed pretty upset, when Shane walks in the room and gets into bed with our boy. Hank hears me sniffling and says, "mama?" and climbs over to me and into my arms.

Children make you bi-polar. One minute you are cursing the heavens for their rotten existence, the next you are crying about how much you love them and don't deserve them.

I need some chocolate. This is quickly becoming a safety issue.

Hankisms

Just some of the latest Hank stories:

So since Hank was born we would say family prayer by his crib with one of us holding him. We decided he was old enough to learn how to fold his arms, etc. So we kneel down to pray in our family room and Shane is holding Hank, trying to get him to fold his arms. He was not having it. He does not like to be controlled by anything but the beat. So Shane lets him go and continues the prayer. I open my eyes to make sure he's not lighting matches or anything, and he is standing there, his little hands clasped together with his head bowed. It was one of the greatest parenting moments ever! Shane finishes and we tell Hank what a great job he did, to which he gave us both high-fives. He also loves shouting "amen" at the end of the prayer. What can I say? He is just so pious.

This morning we were watching American Idol. Hank rarely sits in my lap to watch TV, but he was pretty mesmorized by the singing. During David Cooks song, Hank raises his arms and starts swaying them with the rest of audience. I guess just like his mom, he's a sucker for Neil Diamond.

Mac and Cheese anyone?

Meg's Movie Review..."Leatherheads"

I know I need a better name than that. But for the time being, this will have to suffice.

So Shane and I went to see Leatherheads this weekend. We were pretty excited about this flick, and figured we couldn't go wrong...sports, romance, comedy, Jim Halpert. Unfortunately, due to some unfocused directing and miscasting, Leatherheads didn't quite get the job done.

The biggest problem with the movie is that it doesn't know what type of comedy it wants to be. It works as a straight comedy, it works as a slap-shtick comedy, it just doesn't work as both juxtaposed together. It starts out funny enough, but then mid-way Clooney decides to ham it up with some serious shtick, then changes his mind back towards the end. I say, stay with the shtick. It worked in "Oh Brother, Where Are Thou?" and to a lesser degree in "Intolerable Cruelty", it keeps things light and never takes itself too seriously.

What is this movie trying to say? Is it a commentary on today's world of sports with too much money, evil agents, false hero's? If so, don't cast John Krasinski as your fallen hero. Realize that he is pretty much the guy everyone wants on their email distribution list, and we are going to root for him, no matter what. He's Jim Halpert, for crying out loud, champion of the "normals". He's Tom Joad with comedic timing and no criminal record. Good luck hating that guy.

I do give props for a great soundtrack (thanks Randy Newman) and art direction. It looked like a moving Norman Rockwell painting, which I loved.

There are some very funny parts in this film, enough that I do think it's worth renting, as long as your expectations are in check.

Battle of the Bulge

Recently, Shane and I decided that it was time to stop messing around, and to start exercising and eating right. This decision is in large part due to the fact that we are going to Hawaii in January with Shane's work, and we don't want to scare people away with our massive amounts of pale chubs. (It's seriously wrong how white I am...I am one fanny pack and two hairy legs away from being a Euro...)

So having learned in the last few years that my husband is a gambling freak, and will do almost anything if there is a wager involved (thanks Pete), I decided to challenge him to a sugar-off. This means that whoever can abstain from sugar treats the longest, wins $25 from a gift card we got at Christmas.

Then we decided to get extreme. Another $25 goes to whoever works out five days a week the longest. That's right folks, a full $50 of dream-making cash just waiting for me.

I do have to say, I think it's really cute how Shane thinks he is going to win. Obviously he is totally underestimating my commitment to winning. He doesn't even know what he is up against. I don't just have the eye of the tiger, I have the heart of the bear that ate that tiger while he was napping. And I have the fire power of the hunter-man who shot the bear and now wears the bear-skin around his neck. And I have the crazed mania of the PETA people, who attacked the Hunter-man's house and dumped red paint all over that bear-skin cape. And I have the clinging power of that red paint when some poor dry-cleaning man tries to clean it off. And I have...well you get the point.

It's all over but the spending, Chano. You may as well give in and have that handful of M&M's you've been crying over all week.

The Mayor of Bracketville

Congratulations to Shane, who after suffering 5 years of humiliating defeat has finally won the family pool. Shane, who always chooses with his heart rather than his head, and who has sworn each year that he would never fill out another bracket again, watched his beloved Kansas pull-out a huge victory last night. Now we can put his name next to other prestigious past winners, Mom (twice), Simon, Brian, and that British guy my sister married. All I can say is, "Free at last, free at last. Thank Jayhawks almighty, I am free at last!"

Provo, again

So my beautiful nephew was born last week, and since I couldn't stand to wait to meet him until June, my mother-in-law offered to drive me and Hank to Utah to meet baby Ethan. It was very last minute, and a very long drive, but it was all worth it.

We left Thursday morning, and Hank was amazingly well behaved for his first long car ride. He was very excited to see his Nana and Papa. We met Ethan Friday morning, and he is wonderful. He opened his eyes and peed on me, so I know we are destined to be good friends. Hank was very cautious around him, probably because I was always close by saying, "be soft!" in a somewhat high-pitched and hysterical tone. He did warm up to the baby, and patted his head and gave him some kisses.

I also got to see my wonderful roommates from Ricks again. Traci and I smoked Jessie and Nickie at Canasta and we retold our favorite stories, and caught up on new ones. They seriously are the best friends a gal could ask for.

We watched conference, ate, laughed, shopped, and had a great time. We got home Monday, and both Hank and I were thrilled to see Shane. Thanks Vickie for the ride. And thanks mom and dad for everything. We miss you already!

Hank trying to give the terrified Ethan a kiss. Apparently Gibson warned Ethan about how to deal with Hurricane Hank!

Proud Parents

An ode to my dentist

What? Can this be true? Me, who swore eternal hatred with the passion of a thousand macro-quasars to all dentists be writing a blog about my dentist? It's true, folks. I might be ready to bury the hatchet.

It all started about two years ago, when I was pregnant with Hank. I knew we were moving and would be losing dental insurance, so we decided to go get a check up. In his infinite wisdom Dr. Saddam Hitler, DDS told me that I would need "special drugs" while undergoing 2 root canals. It was a nightmare. The experience was about 12x worse than childbirth. I swore I would never see another dentist ever again.

So my tooth starting hurting a few weeks ago. Since my favorite coping method is denial, I simply took my aspirin, avoided cold drinks, and sucker-punched Shane whenever he brought it up.

But it got worse, so I scheduled my appointment with a friend of mine (I didn't know he was a dentist at the time...and to think that we Bunco'd together!) and went in Wednesday morning. Of course, it indeed was bad enough to need another root canal. (BTW, I do brush my teeth regularly. I think its my love affair with diet Pepsi that did me in).

So I seriously starting tearing up right there in the office, and I begged Jared just to rip my tooth out. He assured me that I really didn't want that but to help me out he would give me drugs that would make me quite relaxed and loopy. Since we were both leaving that weekend, I had to come back in that day for the procedure.

I don't remember much of what happened next, but I am sure that I was quite composed and sensible as I always am. As loopy as I was, I still realized that Marianne could probably take me down Pocatello style, or I would have goosed Jared right there and then. He was kind and professional, and put my mind at ease when I was facing a terrifying if a bit irrational fear.

Thanks so much Jared. You have redeemed your profession in my eyes. (PS...I really think Bunco would be more fun if you brought some of those drugs next time. )